partone:
this is our private blog now... and thus you can see that i have been more free with what i write... today is one of those free days... i have nothing to complain about in life... i have a most wonderful husband, who although is not with us at the moment, is perfect for me in every way! i have a beautiful boy, who is also perfect for me and our family in every way! i am most definitely not asking for sympathies... just wearing my heart on my sleeve today...
...sometimes there feels like something/someone is missing... we have been struggling for sometime to have the opportunity to welcome another baby into our family... there are many out there that have also gone through or are going through this same thing... and have had it much worse than us... i am not complaining in any sense... goodness life is crazy sometimes... i feel for you... but even more... those that have not had the opportunity to have a child already... i cannot and will not complain for one moment... because i have my sweet little jones... i know that circumstances arent the best for us right now either... that we have the best form of birth control ever made... abstinence... that brent will be gone another five plus more months and that obviously lengthens the gap between any future children and jones...
it is funny that as i am writing this, i know that i have already received answers to my many prayers... i know that i have been answered... it is just hard at times... the answer i keep receiving is to be patient... i fully admit that i am not that patient most times... we live in such a generation that is accustomed to getting everything NOW... but i really do know that patience is something that i am learning to acquire at this point in my life...
i truly believe that we are prepared in ways that we do not comprehend... to accomplish tasks that will come in our futures... for example... years before brent and i thought about the idea of him joining military... this one day i had the funny thought that i would not mind that life someday... this is when we first got married and we both were completely engrossed in our careers... so to have that thought was something fleeting and i didnt think too much of it... i honestly cant even remember exactly what sparked that thought... but then later... now... i can say that maybe because of that small thought to begin with... i was much better prepared to think of it as a reality later in life... now...
i think of it the same way when i think of where we might be headed now... not literally headed somewhere... but some promptings and feelings that we have had of recent... and many times while i was younger... i cant obviously tell you how it feels to adopt a child... we have never done it... but it is amazing the feelings and emotion that i experience when i think of the possibility that there is a child out there that is supposed to be part of our family... as i write this now... i can barely stand the strong emotion that is over me... it is so comforting to know...
how do i write what i am feeling right now...
...it is so comforting to know and feel of the Saviors love... to know that there is a plan for us... that this life is meant to bring happiness and joy... that we must sometimes pass through sorrow and pain to fully understand the beauties that lie before us in a time that is sorrowful...
it is sometimes hard for me to comprehend why i have not been able to become pregnant once again... so many around me are... and i know that i can be... i have been twice already... so logically i must be able... my body is able... but there is something more... sometimes the Lord is not logical... it do not mean that with any disrespect... i mean that in a way that... our heads cannot wrap around the logic of such an Almighty being... that if i were to become pregnant again right now... would i really look to find that baby that is meant to be mine... ours???
hope you didnt mind reading the truth... sometimes it helps to get it out...
i tell brent... instead of therapy i have a blog and i run... two things that make me a sane person... i think...
***(i recently watched the movie everybodys fine... it got me thinking...)
3 comments:
I love, love, love, love, love you. My heart hurts for you, but I know the Lord will take care of your little family. He's very creative sometimes, and just when you think "UGH! Things are never going to come together!" They do. And it's so much more perfect than you would have ever planned yourself.. It's so hard to be patient though. I love you, my beautiful friend!
Thanks for sharing your feelings Errin. I'm sorry you are hurting, but someday you guys will have more beautiful children to join Jones, one way or the other. We are thinking of you
Vicki
you're awesome to share all that! now i'm sad for you! but you know i have a testimony of god's timing...something will work out! sorry that you have to be so patient waiting for a husband and a baby!!!
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